After Barry Switzer was demoted to the Super Bowl, and Tom Osborne was demoted to Congress, the Big 8/XII was lost as a conference (and not just because it couldn’t figure out how many members it had.) Then it was saved by the modern wonder drug, OFFENSE!. The illustrious academic institutions of the ACC are not ones to miss out on new trends, so they looked into this OFFENSE! idea. And although they unfortunately did not have the resources to implement this new technology, ACC researchers were able to find another method to achieve the point totals expected in Modern Football.
2012 has seen the full implementation of their research, as almost every ACC team has successfully installed the DEFENSUCKS system. With optimal use of DEFENSUCKS, even games like Georgia Tech vs. Virginia and Miami vs. Boston College can give the impression of being Modern Football.*
* - only applies if you don’t watch the game.
In the October edition of the ACC Suck Index, we check in on the conference BCS prospects (they suck!) and the possibility of a UM-UM championship game, which would make everyone say “Um, um … this sucks.” And we ponder the question: Is the ACC’s best non-conference win: a) NC State over UConn 10-7?; b) Virginia over the corpse of Penn State 17-16, after PSU missed four field goals and an extra point? c) North Carolina over East Carolina? d) no, really, it’s one of those, because Auburn is awful.
1. The North End of Carter-Finley Sucks - Poor Florida State. Even when all the talents are belong to you, “one play from victory” is not the same as “victory.” Going another year without a national championship must really suck.
2. Clemson - Since giving up 35 points (or, as they call it in Clemson, “half an Orange Bowl”) in about eight minutes to Florida State, Tigers have allowed 62 points to BC and GT. That sucks.
3. Hey, Mom! We Don’t Suck! - Duke has already exceeded its combined victory total from 2004-2007. Also, this fact from Wikipedia might become obsolete (but probably not): “There have been 253 straight AP Polls without Duke since 1994 (the 13th longest streak in the NCAA).”
4. Big Plays Suck - Yay, NC State. You beat Florida State. Now, how do you explain giving up 651 @#$% yards to Miami? Or not noticing that Tennessee has a couple guys you maybe should keep an eye on? You stay on the provisional suck list.
5. UM (The One Whose Offense Sucks) - The only unbeaten team in the Atlantic Division, Maryland ranks 104th in passing and 120th in rushing. There are 124 teams in FBS. In fairness to the Terps, they have had to grind it out against powerhouses like William & Mary, Temple, and Wake Forest.
6. Our Only Wins Suck - Virginia Tech beat Georgia Tech (in OT), Austin Peay, and Bowling Green. That doesn’t suck nearly as much as getting blown out by Pittsburgh, or allowing someone named Giovanni to rush for 262 yards.
7. UM (The One Whose Defense Sucks) - Miami, which is the only unbeaten team in the Coastal Division, has lost it’s non-conference games to teams not named Bethune-Cookman by an average of 38.5 points. They gave up an average of 540 yards per game in their ACC wins.
8. A Three Game Losing Streak that includes Middle Tennessee Sucks - Georgia Tech gave up seven touchdowns to Middle Tennessee State. That sucks even worse than losing two ACC games in OT.
9. Keeping it Close Against Duke Sucks - Doesn’t it Wake Forest? That’s still more than the next team can say, but they didn’t lose an ACC game by 52 points. As the tie-breaker, we go to the national stats, where the Deacs are a balanced 96th in scoring and 94th in points allowed.
10. A Four Game Losing Streak that includes Louisiana Tech Sucks - Last month, we identified Virginia as a team that might suck. BINGO! UVa now ranks 94th in points scored, and 104th in points given up. The last time an ACC team lost to Duke by 25 points was 1943 (approximately).
11. Our Coach Sucks (But Only for a Few More Weeks) - Yes Boston College, you just lost to Army, which lost to Stony Brook (which, is that even a thing?). But at least next year, you’ll have a whole new coach for the games you miss when you get arrested trying to tailgate.
Always Last - Carolina Sucks. Football data - they lost to Wake Forest. Q.E.D. Also, the academic scandal deepens as a review of Choo-Choo Justice’s transcript shows he got A’s in no-work correspondence classes from the Appalachian-American Studies department. Frank McGuire thinks this is unfortunate, but it has nothing to do with basketball, nothing at all, so ... look, what's that thing over there?