Omega Wolf has gotten us off to an excellent start in our Tennessee summer preview series, but we haven't really delved into the people underneath those unfortunate orange-splashed uniforms. (William T. Sherman once described Tennessee's primary color as "burning Atlanta." He may have been trolling.) That ends now. Below I have constructed a profile based on anagrams for each player listed at the top of Tennessee's spring depth chart. Obviously, this is highly scientific and I'll thank you to hold all questions.
JACK (Quit Chess Jam) -- Hates fun.
LE (Seven Wet Folks) -- Loves the swim move.
LE Darrington Sentimore (Resetting Moron Nadir) -- Does not understand the impact or inherent pointlessness of his actions.
NT (Cure Couch Aim) -- Charitable fellow. A man with a cause. Much like Ted Striker's drinking problem, some people cannot hit the cushion-side of a couch, often incurring injuries as a result.
RE Marlon Walls (Normal Walls) -- This guy is probably always saying stuff is "very unique."
SLB Brent Brewer (Brr, Beer Went) -- Tends to be erratic.
MLB (Harsher Lament; Enthrals Harem) -- A serious man but also popular on campus for his periodic readings of the work of Albert Camus.
MLB (Matt Curt Gig) -- Extremely loyal to his two best friends, who swear they are going to hit the big time any day now.
WLB AJ Johnson (No Hajj, Son) -- Incapable of understanding the value of journey for journey's sake.
LCB Prentiss Waggner (Repressing Twang; Spawning Regrets) -- I'd say this speaks for itself. (No pun intended.)
LCB Marsalis Teague (I'm Alert, Sausage; Material Usages; Samurai Eaglets; Samurai Legates; A Salami Gesture; Email Us Teargas) -- Whew. Okay. let's take these in order. Frequently talks to his breakfast ("Yes I ironed my shirt, eggs!"); pragmatic; the Mr. Miyagi of eagles; the Mr. Miyagi of ambassadors; plays bass in A Salami Gesture; plays keys in Email Us Teargas, his side project.
SS (Bland Hair Porn) -- Does not care for your judgmental tone, thank you very much.
FS (Lids Work) -- Matter-of-fact about everything, and cover three in particular.
RCB Izauea Lanier (I Inure Azalea) -- A realist--one that you can't fully appreciate until after the fact.
QB (Barely Try) -- Doesn't have a passion for anything except throat-slashing gestures.
RB Marlin Lane (Linen Alarm) -- Future interior decorator.
FB (Hometown Rabble) -- Plays with a chip on his shoulder.
WR Da'Rick Rogers (Rick RadOgres; Irk Sad Grocer) -- Exceptionally creative. Pedant.
WR Justin Hunter (In Unhurt Jest) -- Starts every sentence with "no offense but" and then probably says something offensive.
RT Ja'Wuan James (A Jean Jaw Sum) -- An enigma.
RG Zach Fulton (Oh, Clan Futz) -- Do not ask him about the caber toss incident of 1957.
C Alex Bullard (Brad Axelull) -- Caged aggression.
LG Marcus Jackson (Major Suck Scan) -- Insecure to a fault.
LT Dallas Thomas (Alas! Sham Dolt) -- Would do anything to be accepted during high school.
TE Mychal Rivera (Re: My Archrival) -- Bitter biographer. Elephant serial killer.