Below you will find the paragraph that we constructed Mad Libs-style from the heavily redacted documents made public by UNC last week. UNC redacted so much text that even in a brief paragraph like this one, some massaging was necessary.

With the remaining outstanding benefits of $1,581, we further contend that the $3.14159 in lodging at the pet cemetery, the $216 in combined dinner expenses, the $2.718 in free My Little Ponies and the $69 in local transportation costs should not be expenses that Ernst Stravo Blofeld should be required to repay. While we acknowledge that this relationship began as a result of Ernst glancing across the park and seeing Dick Trickle, who was wearing the frilly red dress Ernst’d seen in the store the other day, we maintain that the anal probe provided by Dick to Ernst was the type that Dick (or anyone, actually) would have provided to any friend with extreme gambling debts. Ernst as he states in his attached personal responses, did not see this as a benefit.

So there you have it. I hope this kid can get his life together.