NC State And The NSA -- Nuts And Gum Together At Last

Matt Kartozian-US PRESSWIRE

We got our own in-house spy shop what for spyin'. Also we're all going to get sweet spy bikes. (See crude artist's rendering above.)

Don't turn your back on the Wolfpack, or you might find yourself ... being monitored while you discuss a grocery list over the phone with your wife. What I'm saying is that we're getting into the spy business and the government is paying us to do it, so everyone wins here. Well, everyone except Larry Fedora, who will be robbed of his very essence through a series of painstakingly thorough surveillance operations.

(Years later, Larry Fedora sits in a mental facility cell, a completely broken man. "Take this one, you bastards," he says over and over as he draws up a play on a small chalkboard, erases it, and draws up another. The tears fall anew, and he clenches his teeth. Since being admitted, he has accidentally created the most brilliant and potent offensive scheme in the history of football, which he does not realize, and which no one will ever see.)

It's unclear exactly what kind of work will be done at the new lab. NCSU said only that a goal of the lab is "to promote new advances in the science of analysis through innovative collaborations between industry, academia and government."

No playbook or constitutional amendment is safe! Pity the opposing coaching staff that dares use modern technology to relay plays and/or profanity down to the sideline. Dabo Swinney is more problematic in that his plays are all clumsily drawn in crayon on several sheets of loose leaf paper and he insists on tin can phones, but we have Top Men out the wazoo now, and they will get that shit figured out eventually.

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