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Bartender! Stiff drink, please.

That's two hours I can't get back.

Top five things less painful than watching tonight's quote-unquote basketball game:

1) Getting kicked in the junk every five minutes.

2) Stabbing one's self in the eye with a fork.

3) Belly-flopping onto pavement from an overpass.

4) Eating an assortment of metallic shards.

5) Driving into a large tree at 65 MPH.

"My eyes...the goggles do nothing!"