You've probably heard by now that the Wolfpack's top incoming basketball recruit, Lorenzo Brown, failed to qualify and is going to prep school. Which further proves that bad news knows no off-season. There are two ways to look at this: 1) holy crap doomed! or 2) the second piece of our 2010 uberclass just fell into place; yeah baby! I'm going to adopt the latter perspective ... just as soon as I'm done weeping.
Since it is clear that shaking our collective fist at the sky is not doing us any favors, I would like to suggest a few lifestyle amendments in the hope that we can avoid these sorts of setbacks in the future. Especially setbacks that occur in fucking July. We shouldn't have to deal with enthusiasm-crushing developments in July. That's what January is for. I'm not asking for much here, I don't think.
Steps For Early-Onset Apathy Prevention
1.) Keep at least two fingers crossed at all times and, if possible, get your toes involved.
2.) Construct a necklace out of rope and some driftwood so that you can knock on wood at any time anywhere.
3.) Build a shrine to Jobu. Offer him cigar, rum. We're just covering all the bases here.
4.) Apologize to God at least twice an hour, even if the only thing you've done in the last hour is donate impressively large sums of money to an equally impressive array of charities. Assume the sin.
5.) I can't stress this enough, people: check your mirrors when you're backing out of the driveway; under no circumstances should your karma run over your dogma.
6.) Don't waste time worrying about Tracy Smith. Obviously he's indestructible.
7.) Avoid the mantra "And when you try to break my spirit it won't work because there's nothing left to break." Instead, remind yourself that it's a good thing you like a challenge! We're looking for a more measured defiance.
8.) Man getting hit in the groin with a football. Works every time.
And there you have it. I feel confident that with your full commitment and strict adherence to these guidelines, we can progress our shit, now what? culture to a more agreeable well, that's sure something-type culture. If you adopt these measures, you'll be too busy to remember that you can't do anything.