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The Value Of A Chocobuck

I saw this in a grocery store the other day. Behold: the billion dollar chocobill.


No doubt you are wondering, as I was, what the value of a Russell Stover dollar is in real money (fn. 1) American dollars. The answer to that question, given that these bars go for fifty-two cents apiece on the company's website, is that one RS dollar = 0.00000000052 cents. Now I just need someone to figure out how many Russell Stover dollars it would take to buy Marvin Austin a plane ticket to Miami. It's possible that this question was answered during the NCAA investigation, but I do not recall anyone reporting the presence of suspicious forklifts on campus.

Anyway, the true delight of the Tar Heel chocobuck is in the symbolism. Which candy is most representative of NC State? Some candidates off the top of my head:

Atomic Fireball
Can be difficult and painful to follow from start to finish.

Mike & Ike
If Mike stinks, we're all gonna feel like Tina to Tom O'Brien's Ike.

NCSU Fan A: "Next year is our year, you should see these recruits we got!"
NCSU Fan B: *snickers*

Shock Tarts
Every time I eat a shock tart I'm like, "why am I doing this to myself I don't even like sour candy that much ... well, maybe just one more."



1.) It has been brought to my attention by the Russell Stover corporation's courteous and friendly legal team that my phrasing impresses upon the reader a rather libelous implication, namely that Russell Stover bucks are units of appreciably less legitimacy than various other forms of exchange. For this I am deeply sorry and ask only that my wife be returned unharmed. Try the chocolate coconut clusters today!