Exceptionally versatile Jaylen Samuels not on watch list for award given to nation’s most versatile player

This is the only pre-season watch list you truly need know: “Guys we should always watch play football: 1.) Jaylen Samuels.” But there are others, apparently, and the people compiling them are doing their best but also doing poorly in one very specific area.

Let me count the ways: Jaylen Samuels is not on the Mackey Award watch list for best college tight end. He isn’t on the watch list for the Maxwell or the Bednarik, awards that go to the nation’s top offensive player and top defensive player, respectively. Jaylen Samuels could easily win any of these honors.

Those are outrages enough, of course. It gets worse. There literally is an award that is intended to honor “the most versatile player in major college football.” It is called the Paul Hornung Award.

First of all, let me congratulate Nyheim Hines for making the Hornung Award watch list. That’s well deserved. Good job, Hornung Award watch list people! You did a good job there.

Now with that out of the way, what the heck are you Hornung Award watch list people doing! Why in the sweet merciful wheel route is Jaylen Samuels not on this watch list—of all the dang watch lists, why not at least this one?

Jaylen Samuels is so versatile that when he runs up the field after taking a handoff or catching a pass or executing a fake punt, his feet trim stray blades of grass that have grown too long. As he runs, his feet draw his name in perfect cursive. That’s how versatile Jaylen Samuels is on a football field, but indeed his versatility extends to the horizon.

Jaylen Samuels speaks 16 languages fluently. He is the president-elect in six countries. He played all the instruments in addition to handling the vocals on his debut EP, Touchdown Living. He is Paul Hornung’s role model. He can eat a sandwich and make a better one at the same time. When he walks into a room it is automatically feng shui’d to a preposterously optimal degree.

Listen, I could go on, but you all know these things already. My point is, this is very important, so please alert your congressman, which is probably Jaylen Samuels.