clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Area man shares the Real Truth about the UNC academic scandal with local media

You do you, man.

NCAA Football: California at North Carolina Rob Kinnan-USA TODAY Sports

Wilmington sports anchor John Smist was kind enough to share this afternoon an incredible letter that he received from someone who is still extremely outraged by the academic fraud scandal at UNC. This person is angry, but also this person knows the Real Truth of it all—he is a wise and considered fellow—and he has taken a lot of time to share that knowledge.

Nowhere does it specifically say this letter came from a State fan, but I mean come on, guys, I think we kinda know it is. Anyway, let’s start with the envelope.

It took me a minute to realize that the return address portion is a label, so presumably my man here has like 100 of these things lying around in a desk drawer somewhere. How many of these letters will he send? Will he fix the alignment issues with his printer? So many questions.

Ha ha, man what a burn. Bubba Cunningham writes like a second-grader. Carol Folt kisses every diploma that comes across her desk, because she’s a woman I guess. You know women, they can’t resist the diploma-kiss. They see a diploma, it’s like an aphrodisiac. This undeniable fact of female nature is basically the only reason guys go to law school.

Here on display for the world is a preternatural soft touch with poetic meter. The words effortlessly flowing forth, interlocking pieces working in concert, not to create something so banal as metaphoric image, but rather to sing the soul’s purpose. Some men have a well of imagination and talent that runs exceptionally deep. This is one such man.

With the mission accomplished, there’s nothing left to do but wait for UNC’s athletics department to get nuked from high orbit and cease to exist for the rest of eternity. For you see, a rather anonymous local newsman possesses such mighty powers as these, and though he had been undecided about UNC’s fate, he takes comfort now in the certainty of knowledge. He is forever changed on a profound level, and with him, so too is the college sports landscape. Some might say print is dead, but as you and I and the guy who wrote this letter know, in truth, it can still move mountains.