John Swofford wants to talk about programming for the ACC Network

Friday, August 16, 2019. 10:00am.

ACC Commissioner John Swofford and the ACC football head coaches meet in a suite overlooking Bank of America Stadium, site of the 2019 ACC Championship Game.

Scattered throughout the stadium, several people put finishing touches on getting the stadium ready for the evening’s Carolina Panthers preseason game versus the Buffalo Bills.

---

Dave Doeren: “Holy shit! Look at that!”

Mack Brown: “What is it, Dave?”

Doeren: “Looks like a UNC home game, Mack.”

Manny Diaz: “Got him!”

John Swofford: “Thank you gentleman for meeting on such short notice. We have a bit of a dilemma...”

Pat Narduzzi: “Ah, hell. Is Petrino back again? I told you - you gotta use the bear locks on the trash cans.”

Scott Satterfield: “Had to fumigate my office and get all new furniture. No lie.”

Swofford: “No, no. We’ve got that under control... I think.”

Steve Addazio: “To beat the dude, you gotta be the dude!”

Dave Clawson: “Dammit, Steve, do you even listen to yourself talk anymore?!”

Swofford: “Focus up, guys! I brought you here because, as you know, The ACC Network kicks off in - oh, crap - less than a week from now. And to be honest, we’re really short on content.”

Willie Taggart: “You know, you had a while to figure this out, John. What do you want from us?”

Swofford: “Maybe don’t tank one of my cash cows...”

Diaz: “Burn!”

Taggart: “Shut up, new guy!”

Diaz: “You boys win that bowl game last year?”

Taggart: “I swear to-”

Dabo Swinney: “Guys! Come on! Let’s get to this. Time is money - and speaking of, I gotta go drop some of it off with uhhhhhhhh hey, John! What were you saying?”

Swofford: “Thanks, Dabo... I need ideas. Fresh programming. Original stuff. Something good! Shoot, I didn’t expect Spectrum to sign on, but now we gotta actually put something decent on the air. Any ideas, fellas?”

David Cutcliffe: “‘The Cut Sheet with Coach Cut’! Just an hour of me talking about my favorite scrapbook photo-cropping techniques.”

Dave Clawson: “Oh my god, you are just as boring as you look.”

Cutcliffe: “Did you know three of us are named Dave? And we’re all in the same state! How cool is that?”

Everyone: [turns and stares at Cutcliffe]

Geoff Collins: “‘The GT hour’! From 4:04 to 4:30. Every day. Everything Atlanta related!”

Dino Babers: “That’s only 26 minutes, Geoff...”

Collins: “ATL! Big Boi! Hotlanta! Waffle House!”

Narduzzi: “Geoff, please stop. We get it already.”

Brown: “Coming to you live from Charlotte, North Carolina!”

Clawson: “He knows he doesn’t work for ESPN anymore, right? And that we’re not on the air right now? He’s talking into a Life Alert pen for Pete’s sake!”

Mack Brown: “I gotta say, great crowd in the stadium for this game.”

Doeren: “Mack, it’s 11:00am. The game’s not ‘til tonight. Those are groundskeepers and custodians.”

Brown: “Gotta love the passion!”

Satterfield: “Is Mack okay? Did he get his pills this morning? Y’all know how he gets...”

Swinney: “You think Fonzo can get some time on the air? Great tactician, excellent public speaker, motivator. Plus he’s my best friend.”

Babers: “It’s a stuffed tiger, Dabo. It doesn’t talk. The hell is wrong with you?”

Doeren: “This guy has won multiple national titles...”

Satterfield: “We could just play reruns of ‘The Office’. Doeren, I really loved your role as Toby.”

Doeren: [stares]

Swofford: “Shoot, Netflix couldn’t even hold onto that show, and you think we have a chance to get it?!”

Bronco Mendenhall: “‘Bronco’s Bronco’ I talk about rebuilding a ‘69 Ford Bronco from the chassis up.”

Addazio: “Heh. He said ‘69’. Can’t wait to tell the dudes about this!”

Swofford: “Okay, I now see this was a terrible idea... Hey, has anybody seen Fuente?”

Diaz: “Did you check the transfer portal?”