UNC installs new football field that will allow opponents to score far more quickly

Teamwork for the win: UNC got rid of its grass football field this offseason, replacing it with a synthetic turf that everyone agrees will allow all of the Tar Heels’ opponents to score more quickly.

“We feel confident that the new field will remove the remaining obstacles for our opponents, which should allow them to score far more quickly,” Mack Brown told assembled media members on Friday.

Critics have been harsh about UNC’s field conditions for some time: were it not for the bugs, or the scattered misshapen patches of grass, then so the telling goes, UNC could have lost every game it lost, but a lot faster.

Mack Brown has heard these concerns and addressed them directly during the school’s turf announcement. He closed, somewhat defensively, by insisting that his team is going to lose with much greater speed.