SMU included free with purchase of two Pac-12 schools

Jim Phillips is walking through a flea market when he spots a man standing on a soapbox standing in front of a mysterious tent.

SALESMAN: Step right up, step right up. Mystical wonders! Incredible gadgets. Fine whatsits. It’s all here, and what a deal. You there, sir, you look like a man who appreciates a good deal.

PHILLIPS: I’ve been known to consider some deals in my time.

SALESMAN: Ha ha, of course you have! Here, come right in, come right in. Let me show you this. Near mint condition, 30% off, a flagship institution of higher learning. A bear of a deal! Comes with some sports packages.

PHILLIPS: Sports packages?

SALESMAN: [hands over box labeled CAL FOOTBALL]

PHILLIPS: [blowing dust off the box] Whew, when’s the last time anybody got some use out of this thing?

SALESMAN: Not sure! Doesn’t even work, if we’re bein’ honest. Difficult to assemble, tough to find parts. But I bet it worked once! Plus, puttin’ it together, that’s fun for the whole family. And that’s not all it comes with.

PHILLIPS: [rooting around box] I see that. Why’s there a copy of The Fountainhead in here?

SALESMAN: Oh, that? Don’t worry about that, probably just an accident.

PHILLIPS: [reading inside cover] “Property - A. Rodgers”

SALESMAN: Uh, right. Let’s move on. How do you feel about cardinal?

PHILLIPS: I actually already have a cardinal.

SALESMAN: No no, my good man, cardinal the color! A concept and a lifestyle all in one. Gently used, rarely seen. Behold!

PHILLIPS: That’s a tree.

SALESMAN: Indeed!

PHILLIPS: Explain.

SALESMAN: How much time do you have? Ha ha! You’re a busy man, much to do, I can see that. Let me tell you this: this tree is as sturdy as she comes. You get this tree, you also get a small collection of nerds with musical instruments who’ll spend three hours a week insulting you. Bet you don’t have that!

PHILLIPS: No, that’s true.

SALESMAN: Didn’t think so! But I can see you’re still wavering, so let me toss out this one last offer, and heck of a deal that I’m ready to offer you and only you. You agree to buy these two items here today, and I’ll throw in a pony.

PHILLIPS: You have a pony in here?

SALESMAN: I have a lot of things in here. Ryan Leaf. Comes with his own glass case. Couple crates of applesauce—commemorative applesauce, hear tell. Got a beaver in the back, too. Beaver probably isn’t a good idea with the tree, though.

PHILLIPS: Can’t imagine so.

SALESMAN: And over in the corner we’ve got 52 copies of Frampton Comes Alive! for some reason.

PHILLIPS: Good lord, man, why didn’t you lead with that?!

SALESMAN: Aha! Right this way, then.