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Scott Wood Announces Future Presidential Run

Streeter Lecka

America does not even have a running government at this moment (or most moments, honestly #govtjokes), and the most likely reason for this is the fact that Scott Wood is not president. He can't be president for a while yet, but rest assured he is already planning his run, and some core parts of his platform have been outlined.

Yes, you read correctly, two-hour lunch breaks and no more speed limits. I have several more suggestions:

-- Replace all police sirens with ice cream truck jingles.

-- Provide $5 million annual stipend to all NC State sports bloggers.

-- Raze the University of Maryland, turn it into a nature preserve and/or prison.


-- Cancel The Simpsons already, sheesh.

-- Quadruple the number of national holidays so we can all celebrate occasions like National Eat Burritos All Day Day, National Do Absolutely Nothing Day, National Here's $500 Dollars Courtesy Of The Good 'Ol U.S. of A., Enjoy! Day, etc.

-- If there's time--if there's time--maybe look into the country's infrastructure problems, education issues, that sort of thing. But only if there's time.