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Meet UNC, whose ceiling is the roof

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NCAA Basketball: Clemson at North Carolina Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

So I got to thinking, how would certain action movies have ended differently if the protagonist were confused about the ceiling and the roof? For example:

Die Hard

John McClane to himself: I found those bombs on the roof earlier but now I can’t remember exactly where they were. Were they on the roof ... or the ceiling?

[John McClane has an internal argument for 45 minutes, bleeds out and dies. Hans Gruber’s plan to have the hostages blown up on the ROOF succeeds, he and his crew escape with hundreds of millions of dollars.]

Sudden Death

Jean-Claude Van Damme: Should I zip line into the terrorist holdout from the ceiling or the roof, I cannot decide. I will choose the ceiling I guess.

[The zip line falls short of the holdout, Van Damme plummets to his death, the Vice President is killed, and the Penguins are eliminated from the playoffs.]

True Lies

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Is the ceiling the roof or is the roof the ceiling?

Villain guy: That is the true lie.

[movie ends badly]

----------

As you can see the repercussions are not good. Wow am I glad none of that stuff happened.

What was I talking about? Oh right. Sorry, sorry.

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Speed

Keanu Reeves: Harry give me some good news.

Harry: The ceiling is the roof and I’m dead now I got exploded.

Keanu: Oh no.

Harry: I know right.

The Poseidon Adventure

Gene Hackman: Wait so the floor is the roof now?

Ernest Borgnine: No you meddling fool, the ceiling is the roof.

Hackman: This appears to run contrary to our current predicament on a capsized cruise ship if you ask me.

Borgnine: I didn’t ask you.

[they drown]

The Fast And The Furious

Jerk Guy: The speedometer is the roof.

Other Jerk Guy: No it isn’t [annoying guitar sounds]

[everyone in this shit movie is a jerk and explodes to death]

Speed 2: Cruise Control

Sandra Bullock: It’s a boat this time, is it.

Jason Patric: [drooling from mouth]

Willem Defoe: HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Contact

Jodie Foster: I made contact with the ceiling.

Matthew McConaughey: I’m glad that you’re excited about painting your kitchen, did you get all the tape down to protect the roof? I love God and Jesus.

Jodie Foster: No the ceiling.

[Aliens drop a satellite on Jodie Foster’s house, move on to more interesting planet.]

Taken

Some Asshole: We’ve taken your roof.

Liam Neeson: Dammit.

The Fugitive

Harrison Ford: Heyyyyy. Didn’t kill my roof.

Police: Yes we can see that on account of your roof is still there. This case is closed.

Mission Impossible

Tom Cruise: They have a lot of fish tanks in the Czech Republic this is wild.

CIA Dude: A-HA!

Tom Cruise: Did you know that gum can be a bomb?

CIA Dude: WHAT

Tom Cruise: It’s true, makes you re-think spearmint, doesn’t it.

Spartacus

Spartacus: I am Spartacus.

Extra: Oh big whoppin’ deal there, guy. I’m a lot of things but you don’t hear me bragging about it.

The Shawshank Redemption

Tim Robbins: I’m going to tunnel through the roof.

[Tim Robbins is quickly apprehended after requesting the use of a ladder.]

The Godfather

[man wakes up horrified to find a dead roof in his bed]

Finding Nemo

Fish: This roof is buoyant and can take us all the way to the ocean ceiling.

Fish 2: Fuck it nobody cares about fish. God I hate myself.

Rudy

[fed-up hero smothers Rudy to death with some shingles]