Meet NC State’s temporary enemy, Seton Hall

NC State is set to play Seton Hall in the first round of the 2018 NCAA men’s basketball tournament on Thursday afternoon, which I suspect you may have heard by now. You may also understand, based on the previous information, that Seton Hall has a basketball team—this is indeed true. But you might not be terribly familiar with this school or its basketball program, and so with that in mind I am here to help.

Here is a quick breakdown of Seton Hall the institution and Seton Hall the basketball team:

— In 1744, Spanish settlers in New Jersey launched an inquisition into the viability of higher education, which at the time was completely unexpected. The result, a year later, was Seton Hall University. Its motto is Do Learns.

— Seton Hall’s sports teams are nicknamed the Pirates, which of course is a nod to the Catholic church’s prestigious and well-documented centuries-long tradition of theft and pillagery.

— SHU is the only school in NCAA history to briefly field two men’s basketball teams, owing to the great man-zone schism of 1924. Both squads were noteworthy only in their tedium.

— The most famous building on Seton Hall’s campus is McNulty Hall—discouraged undergraduates are often heard muttering “the fuck did I do?” as they leave the building following a particularly rough go at an exam. (Seton Hall officials would note here that all permalinks, but especially that permalink, are not safe for work.)

— Seton Hall’s most famous modern alumnus is Dan Brown, a grammatical anarchist who is serving 40 consecutive life sentences for any given stretch of so-called prose that is contained within The Da Vinci Code. And I don’t mean he’s in jail, I mean he has 40 sentences to work on for life until he understands how a metaphor works.

— Seton Hall’s most famous alumnus of all time is The Famous Jesuit Prince Steve. It’s right there in the name, so no one disputes that Steve is tops when it comes to alums all-time. All hail Steve. Heck yeah, Steve.

— There is nothing else about Seton Hall that is famous. The most common example that people use to drive home this fact is Tara. Tara is a sophomore political science major. Tara is not at all famous. She fits right in on campus since no one else there is famous either.

— If you attempt to skateboard on Seton Hall’s campus, you are flung into low earth orbit by a contraption that was initially intended to make ice cubes. The creation of ice cubes had been the big issue of the day, but after a skateboard was spotted for the first time, all relevant parties involved agreed that ice cubes frankly were not that important anymore.

— Seton Hall did a lot for you in your formative years, but you’d be the last to admit that, wouldn’t you.

— Seton Hall is tired.