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Anagram Exam, Syracuse edition: Trouble, thy name is Colleen

Jeff Zelevansky

I have said many times that there is a strong predictive quality to anagrams, which is an assertion that's been proven time and time again by science. Today I once again used various highly anagrammatical methods to construct and analyze a vision of the future, this one centering on the immediate fate of the Syracuse football team. If you would rather not have this afternoon's game spoiled for you, stop reading now.

Prince-Tyson Gulley

Yup Colleen's Trying
Cogently Yelps "Ruin!"
Yells "Nice Punt Orgy!"
Prince Gently Lousy

The signs here are so dreadful I hesitate to discuss any of them at length. When there is a Colleen in play, then there's usually trouble ahead. More extensive research found that Prince-Tyson Gulley is stricken with a case of the 79 Colleens, which is a rare condition in which one's name can be rearranged to create precisely 79 phrases including the name Colleen. This is incredibly bad.

What happens with the 79 is you put a decimal point right in the middle, and then you round up, and then you add one, and when you add that one, you get nine. I don't need to tell you that Syracuse is preparing to play its ninth game of the season.

But I should back up for a sec. When imagining the phrase "yup, Colleen's trying" said aloud, it is important to understand that the delivery is always one of deep resignation. Like that gosh darned Colleen means so well but she's always messing the stuff up! Bless her heart, though, who's to stop her. [heavy sigh]

Colleen is, in her base form, a nagging sense of futility in all things. Ted Leo is one of the few to address the concept in song:

Colleen, perpetually between
What is and what could have been
Floating through your routine
Every day since you were fifteen

The effects vary wildly from 79er to 79er, but Colleen always pops in somewhere. In Gully's case, I find it likely that he will at some juncture accept a handoff and halt in his tracks, lob the ball to the nearest NC State player, and walk off the field, maybe to return, but maybe to leave behind football for good.

Gully's secondary anagramastic indicators are consistently dire, which to my eyes make the above scenario all but inevitable. Without question, if he does manage to remain a functional player through the entire game, it will be a bad day. At least three fumbles, to go with tripping and falling down in the backfield a couple times.

AJ Long

Galleon Oarsman
Nonlegal Aromas

"AJ" is no good for my purposes here, as initials never reveal the true nature of a man. Fortunately, Long's full name--A-Sar La'Mone Long--is included in his Syracuse bio.

There was once a Portuguese galleon called the Madre de Deus, and this ship was captured by an expedition that was orchestrated and led for a time by Sir Walter Raleigh in 1592. In the ship was cargo that held enormous value, and which the Brits gladly took back to England. What I'm saying, obviously, is that Long will be sacked by NC State to a painful degree and Syracuse will lose quite a lot in the exchange.

As for the second anagram, that one could be taken in a couple directions. Among the riches and goods pilfered in the theft of the Madre de Deus were 2.5 tons of benjamin, "a highly aromatic balsamic resin used for perfumes and medicines." Benjamin has a vanilla-esque aroma to it that I'd imagine is pleasant enough but not entirely satisfying. That is the most positive interpretation of "Nonlegal Aromas" conceivable.

Ashton Broyld

Don Blahstory
Randy Hotslob
Sandy Rhoblot
Troy Blondash
Tony Holdsbra

Ashton Broyld isn't playing because of an injury, but I felt as a public service I should pass along all these names you could use for an alias at a hotel or whatever. Ashton Broyld is a lot of people, some more interesting to know than others.

Alvin Cornelius

Nuclear Violins

Furious, last-minute research is ongoing in this case, due to the unheralded nature of this type of violin, be it figurative or otherwise. Sounds pretty cool, though.