:format(webp)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_image/image/46835860/usa-today-8276313.0.jpg)
ESPN's annual Shitstairs Monday includes Larry Fedora, Bobby Petrino, Dabo Swinney, and Scott Shafer. They will all be sitting in booster seats of varying heights. Fedora's seat is built out of a pounding need to ignore everything, especially coaching; Petrino's out of hysterically self-imposed moral ambiguity; Swinney's out of 57 bibles, with which he intends to construct a fort. Scott Shafer had to remind people that Syracuse is a college with sports.
On Tuesday ESPN will feature a shitty, stunted little man who doesn't give a damn about crimes unless they happen to be caught on camera, plus some guy who worked in Michigan for a while, plus the biggest fraud in college football, plus some dunce who's been forced to pretend a college football program in Boston is tenable, plus a zombie from Virginia, plus a tie-adorned bit of sorrowful confusion. Dave Doeren is also involved.
So anyway, here is the lineup. Doeren will be live on SportsCenter at 3:20 p.m. ET on Tuesday.
| Monday, July 27 | Tuesday, July 28 |
| Dabo Swinney (Clemson) | Steve Addazio (Boston College) |
| Larry Fedora (North Carolina) | Frank Beamer (Virginia Tech) |
| Dave Clawson (Wake Forest) | Jimbo Fisher (Florida State) |
| Paul Johnson (Georgia Tech) | Dave Doeren (NC State) |
| Mike London (Virginia) | David Cutcliffe (Duke) |
| Bobby Petrino (Louisville) | Al Golden (Miami) |
| Scott Shafer (Syracuse) | Pat Narduzzi (Pittsburgh) |
Man, I have packed so much hate into a couple of paragraphs, I've surprised myself. Training camp ain't just for the players, it's for the bloggers too, and I think I just set a new personal record. I'm ready for the start of the season *lifts another heavy Cutcliffe burn to the sky*