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Area inventor Dave Doeren reveals latest innovation, the tequila fire hose

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At an event in North Carolina on Monday afternoon, notable area inventor Dave Doeren took the opportunity to announce his most recent piece of worldwide society-improving machinery: a hose that shoots out a damn shit-ton of liquor. This breakthrough comes at just the right time, as the start of football practice--signaling the impending doom of the return of the football season proper--lies but weeks ahead.

Doeren, a man of great skill in a number of fields and a serial dabbler, has himself done some work in football. None of it worth noting, mind you, but let us not fault a man for attempting to expand on his horizons.

Thirteen seconds after this announcement, the nation's grocery stores were sold out of margarita mix. Imagine placing this tequila fire hose straight up, creating a fountain of sorts. One merely pours the margarita mix into a cup, with the addition of some triple sec, of course, and then walks cup in hand out into the yard, under the hose. Boom, drink done.

When you combine this maneuver with another Doeren invention--known colloquially as the "lime cannon"--then you have absolute perfection.