NC State athletics officials ended days of rumors and speculation during a press conference Tuesday afternoon, making public a new five-year agreement to wallop the ever-living crud out of North Carolina in football. Athletics director Debbie Yow and head football coach Dave Doeren were on hand at the announcement.
“While we were satisfied with this most recent three-year winning streak, we felt like the department needed a more solid direction,” Yow explained. “And with this new streak, we feel like we’ve found it. I’m thrilled to introduce it to you all today.”
The athletics department conducted an exhaustive nation-wide search to find the best fit for the school, and while the school’s athletics budget has grown substantially in recent years, Yow said that there was still a desire for practicality.
“I’m retiring next year, and so I didn’t want the next athletics director to be stuck with too long a winning streak. It can be tough to handle those expectations.”
A copy of the winning streak’s annual compensation was provided to media members in attendance. There are several incentive-laden escalators in the contract that take it from largely priceless in year one to a potential exceptionally priceless in year five.
“This is a great day for our program,” Doeren said. “We have the best fans in the country and they deserve this. I’m thrilled to be here today. I very much look forward to beating the ever-stinking crap out of the Tar Heels in these next five seasons.”
“We’re pleased that we’ve been able to agree on such a great deal to club the mother-grabbing cheese out of UNC for the foreseeable future,” Yow added. “The best part is it feels like we didn’t have to pay anything to do it.”***
***(If it is somehow not clear please note that I made all of this up.)